Sometimes I mourn, thinking it’s unfair that God made me so ugly. I often wonder why me? And not only ugly, but awkward in speech and with the gait of a wounded grizzly.
When I was a girl, I was often mistaken for a boy. Even when the boobs came. I don’t know exactly why but I have my inklings, like the bold movements of my hands or standing my ground against the boys who chased girls around the play area. I refused to run into the girls’ restroom and instead, pushed them away, pushed them back, down. The disgust I felt watching them chase the other, more delicate and squealing girls into the girls’ bathroom was a smirk on my face and my heavy eyebrows.
Or maybe it’s much simpler than all that- like I was too ugly to be a girl. Girls have long eyelashes, they’re thin, their hair shines, they’re shy standing around in their groups with their weight resting on one bony hip, looking over their shoulders at the sweaty boys rough housing on the blacktop.
Honest to God, most of the time I am fine with it, my being ugly. Often, I am so busy doing grubby things, beauty would be wasted on me. Ugly people are for tedium. I wash feet, I scrub toilet bowls and make beds. I run errands, cook with grease. For these things, beauty is not required. If I were lovely, pretty or even just cute, I wouldn’t have the life I have now. I wouldn’t write. I wouldn’t understand others as well or have my family. And perhaps, I would not be listened to.
Okay, that made me laugh too, but I have to accept what there is. The only person I cannot lie to is myself. Besides, I do have working limbs. I can see. I dance fairly well, only no one ever asks me to dance because I am ugly. No cancer or high blood pressure. Merely an ulcer and I think I might need a hearing aid… I should be thankful.
There are things beyond the physical that make me ugly like my inclination toward sandess and anger. There is my critical spirit here inside of me, the way I begin my talk with, “I’ll never understand…” and my need to rally and rebel against They and Them. Distrust. My husband said I had a good heart. I laughed. Is that wrong?
(copyright 2007) c. A. Hughes
08.13-08.16.07
Grl – you’re a trip!
i am willing to bet that what you are describing is a common feeling for everyone. Mary Lynn Garza called me ugly in the 4th grade and it still bugs the shit out of me. And that was 30 + years ago!
peace,
p
i can’t remember not being ugly ever. It sucks because beautiful people get all the breaks.
Have you read Till We Have Faces, by C.S. Lewis? It’s a little Esoteric, but very, very good.
I think what I find most annoying about beauty is that beautiful people always waste it by worrying about whether they’re beautiful or not. There was a really pretty girl in my high school—and she was always sad, because she wasn’t as pretty as some other girls.
Genetics have combined to make me a too-hairy person with bad teeth who sweats if the temperature rises about sixty five, but I haven’t much worried about it. Sometimes, I’m glad I’m not pretty, because at least this way, I know where I stand—I don’t have to worry about whether I’m pretty or not. I already know.
Wow, this post hit me like a fist in the stomach! I haven’t had much time lately to visit all the blogs I love – please forgive my absence – and I come and read this! I guess I would be considered one of the beautiful people, or certainly used to be – and I’ve viewed it as such a curse. It stopped me from doing so many things in my life that I so wish I’d done now. I didn’t do them because I thought I wasn’t capable, or would look ungraceful, or ‘ugly’ doing it. I was so full of fear because I wasn’t pretty *enough*, it was never, never, never enough and so crippling to feel that expectation and never quite get there. Oh, please don’t laugh when your husband tells you you have a beautiful heart, he can see how magnificently and truly beautiful you are, and that’s Divinely sent – to you!
Much love xx
Simonne- you are beautiful in many ways. i think your attitude is shiny.
i read your reply and felt bootsy because everyone has their area of distress. i am wrong, and know i am, to assume that because someone is physically pleasant that her/his life is all perfect. i’m jealous. And i think if i were pretty, i wouldn’t acknowledge it anyway.
i’m never satisfied.
David- i like what you said and would like to have that attitude. i think embracing one’s self instead of obsessing (like i do, not because i am vain but compulsive) makes one attractive.
One day. Maybe.
Also, i like Lewis, but i’ve never read that book.
~christine
The life of being ugly is one of hardships that others sometime don’t understand. Being never chosen because of being overweight, and no great feature can leave a scar for life. I have been overlooked on what counts, jobs, raises and other opportunities. It wasn’t that I was under qualified, all it came down to was that I wasn’t attractive.
I still feel the pain of ugly and an overweight figure. I thinned out a couple of times nearly killing myself. That was all hell. I wish for a day the world was blind so that people can see who is truly there. I don’t put down physically beauty, there good looks aren’t what make me unattractive. Just one day of blindness of sight in the realm of dating.
The worst problem was thinning out and not realizing that I wasn’t so fat anymore. Only when the weight came back did I feel the sorrow for that weight gain and realized that I once was close to being somewhat attractive.
Life is good, even when it all feels bad.
Life goes on.
People, despite their shape and size and few unwanted genetic hand-me-downs are beautiful. It is the truly blind who do not see what beauty stands before them.
I learned to get over the looks when it came to friendship and more and I could see what others wouldn’t bother because their cares lie in what can be the most unimportant.
Why people mistreat others or treat those that aren’t in the beauty zone, I cannot understand.
Despite how I see others for what they really are, I fail to see what I am. Life isn’t fair but one must go on.
tearjerker at heart.
Yeah I’m ugly too. Only had 1 girlfriend and she refused to become involved with me on an intimate level. I am slightly overweight, my face isn’t quite symmetrical and I am a bit short. My teeth are fairly straight, but that doesn’t matter one iota compared to the rest of my ugly mug.
I hate people. Most of all I think I hate the fact that there is nothing I can do to change it. I hate that God or whatever made me, made me the way I am. I truly hate the fact that I have to be ugly so that someone else can be deemed as beautiful. Screw that.
I know that I am ugly on the inside as well. Angry, rebellious, sarcastic, cynical…I’m not much of an appealing mate.
It sucks hearing all your friends discuss their first kisses and experiences and whatnot while never having experienced anything of the like, plus not being able to contribute to the conversation or just awkwardly smiling and nodding.
God and his bullshit double-standards. “I made you inferior and unattractive, now deal with it. Also I expect you to try and transcend your very core nature while at the same time dealing with societal concepts of beauty and normality that in no way include you. You will be ostricized and lonely, but worst of all you will be intelligent enough to realize all of this. Have a nice life.”
The worst is my family, who insist on lying to me in order to give me some small measure of confidence. The problem is, I can smell bullshit a mile away and I’d just as soon not hear their patronizing attempts at complimenting something that isn’t there. My dad says that I depress him whenever I admit that I am unattractive. He probably realizes that I won’t ever have any children, and he fears our name will die out when I do. My grandma always asks when I am going to give her some grandchildren, to which I reply “as soon as they start selling them on the street.” I wouldn’t make a good father anyway, as negative as I am. My other Grandmother constantly insists on referring to me as her “handsome grandson.” I don’t go around her very often because, like I said, I can smell bullshit for miles.
I don’t want false compliments, I don’t want sympathy. I just want to die and be someone else…or just be dead and not have to deal with being inadequate and lonely. That would be great. Never being lonely…that would be super.
Thank you for what you’ve said, Man. It is so open and i really appreciate that you’ve put it here.
There is something you’ve brought up that i find very crucial about the entire situation and that is the lying others do to ugly people. i know they’re trying to help, or maybe just easing their own discomfort i don’t know, but lying never helps. In fact, it makes me feel uglier and worthless, because somehow, my opinion on the matter doesn’t count. i am ugly and i know this, but somehow, they know better and totally dismiss my feelings.
So many people have said that my self-loathing is endearing. One person said it was “cute, the way you’re always down on yourself…” wtf? i’m not trying to be cute, i’m not trying to make up for my physical deficits and i’m not looking for a boost. i’m just saying the truth, and i try not to say it very often to folks.
Anyway, i hope that you don’t die. And i also hope that you will never be lonely again. Again, thanks for posting.
~christine
Nameless,
Thank you for your words. i guess, like race, class, gender and the many other ways we seek to box people up, keep them away, looks are used to judge character and ability. i get bogged down in the unfairness of it all, the stupidity of it. i get furious. i become depressed.
i am glad that you’ve had positive growth from your pain. i want to get there- to a place where i am not constantly picking at me, where i can look at others instead of scrutinizing myself for flaws.
Thanks for visiting this post,
christine
Wow! After reading this entry I will go back and re-read your more recent one on the topic of ugliness. But before I do that, C, I wanted to say thank you for writing so authentically about a shunned and avoided subject.
I think I receive your meaning – the affects in your life from your exterior self in this world. I read one of your poems where you talk about your ‘coarse’ hair and the little girl inside me paid immediate attention – that was one of the put downs I encountered from my adoptive parents – the coarse peasant hair. Now I can say at the age of 50 that I honestly love my coarse hair and that I have liked every peasant I’ve ever encountered, myself included.
The matter of physical appearance is definitely a theme in my writing and reflections. So thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts. junemoon
Hi, chughes. I’m just cruising your blog again and came across this post and it hit home. I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, and you can edit, condense, or trash my comment if you want to, as I won’t be offended if you do. It’s not meant to offend anyone.
I think there are 2 kinds of people; people who think beautiful thoughts and seek after what is true and noble and know their spiritual component to life. The other kind of person is all about ugly thinking. I think the beautiful people get their reward here on earth (which is their beauty); some of them look down and mistreat those who aren’t part of the “beautiful” crowd because they’re ugly inside. All they have is their beauty. They haven’t had to develop character, nor dig deep inside for empathy, compassion or understanding that all life is precious and worthy, regardless of looks or circumstances. So naturally they become self-absorbed. The not-so-beautiful can have a rich, deep understanding about life and know that looks aren’t everything and “see” people by how they treat and respect others. If it’s kind and good – the only thing visible to the eye is the “soul” where the true person resides anyway. I don’t think anyone is truly ugly; there’s only ugly thinking. If you’re not beautiful and have ugly thinking then that’s 2 strikes against yourself. But if you’re not beautiful and think in terms of others, have empathy and compassion, then no one sees how plain you are because the soul out shines the physical. I think that’s why some think their parents are lying to the not-so-beautiful children, but they know the whole person and basically sees the soul and not the physical anymore. I know this sounds cheesy, but it’s how I feel, nonetheless..
Having said all that, I think those of us who’ve come from less than ideal backgrounds where life wasn’t seen so much as precious and worthy, and we didn’t get the necessary confidence-building support from our parents, have issues that were foisted upon us by unskilled parents. For us, it doesn’t matter whether we’re not-so-beautiful or drop-dead gorgeous, we’ll never “see” ourselves as we really are because others have defined us by their own ugly thinking. We just need to reclaim ourselves and get down to what is really wrong and what really matters in life – it being rich and fully-lived – or wasted on wondering how others “see” us. We can’t change how other people think, we can only change ourselves.
In other words, to others, I have a little ugly, Dumbo-eared, long-bodied, short-legged, tan-colored Chihuahua/rat terrier mix that looks like a big rat. She is so ugly, and so loyal, affectionate and devoted to me that she’s beautiful in my eyes.
ok. you’re right. and i’m as guilty as anyone. i won’t try to talk you out of it. i’ll just say
i love you, you beautiful ugly sumbitch.
[sorry about the beautiful-- it just slipped itself in]
[[but you are to me and i can't stop saying it]]
[[[also, i'm sorry for calling you an ugly sumbitch]]]
[[[[i tried to believe it and can't]]]]
i love you for trying.
“I know that I am ugly on the inside as well. Angry, rebellious, sarcastic, cynical…I’m not much of an appealing mate.” -Quote ‘The Man’
You know that anger, rebellion and sarcasm does not make a man ugly? What makes a man ugly isn’t his facade either. When a man does not seek to live in a real world but to live in fantasy, that is what makes him ugly. What makes a man handsome is his character, how he treats a woman and how he treats himself. When a man is nothing but a coward to face the truth, that man is ugly. I don’t believe that you (The Man) are not attractive. The true person is what one is left when the lights go out, when one is ill and when the world is all bad.
Nameless
Christine
Thank you for your kind words. I wish that those were the only feelings that go through my mind. Unfortunately depression is what makes anger a powerful and dangerous tool. Rarely does anger ever favor to boot my drive to be positive and drive me towards better. When depression lets off then I try. When depression is on, its hell.
Nameless
Thank you for stopping by again.
i really like what you said to The Man. And it’s true. i wish i would have had the presence of mind to encourage him in such a way- honest and kind, without any type of patronizing.
i also suffer from depression and when it comes, i cannot, and do not wish to be consoled. i have my dark vacation and then when i feel a little better, i can be kinder to others.
So i say, firstly, i am glad that you are not currently suffering and secondly, that i appreciate your offer of encouragement to another who is suffering.
I am a 38 year old man, I too have been cursed with the doom of uglynes. like many of my kind I too am tired of rejection, wheather it be job, promotion or love, but Life keeps going. I am thankful for this blog, it lets me know that I am not alone and being alone is the worst. but love, true love is a gift that one must give willingly. I know better than most that your outward appearence is more importnant than your credit score. I would love to try and make a support group for less than attractive people like myself. no matter what we are still humane and could use some support too. if anything I would like to say I know that I am short, a little over weight and less than attractive in the face, but keep hope alive. I never made my mother proud, I never recieved love from my brother, every woman I have dated left because they buckled under the presure of being embaraced and rejected by their family and friends. but I will stand firm that we people dificiant in the looks department can still have a full life. maybe if we band together we will start to see the beauty in or selves and maybe one day we will all finde that someone who will see us as we realy are. I am sorry I went on, I just have a lot to say on the subject because being considered ugly sure does alter a lot in life. thank you friends for being there and always remember although we feel isolated, WE ARE NOT ALONE. Good night.
Dean, thank you for sharing yourself here.
This is one of my favorite posts because it is a comfort to me, and those who feel like me (i hope.)
i believe many people feel like we do and it is good to know we are not alone.
i like very much what you’ve said in your comment.
Now, if we could/would recognize what is truly beautiful in ourselves!
Thank you for visiting.
i wish you all the best.
~c
It’s not how you look like, it’s how you really are. I have seen many beautiful people so boring that you could not spend 2 hours with them. They were very shallow, the amount of things they could say were so limited that I sometimes felt like talking to a chimp.
And I have met “ugly” people that I talked for hours and hours.
Be sure that, “ugly” (as you call it) people are better people than “beautiful” people. An ugly person has generally accepted himself/herself, and what he/she is. The funniest people that I have met were always people that was overweight (above a “threshold”) and I loved their acceptance of self. They did not have any problems with themselves, and that was what made them so nice.
I never judge my friends by their physical appearance because the brain they carry is what matters to me the most. Too bad that in intimate relationships, physical appearance is an important factor for people. But love is something very stochastic and mostly, illogical.
And don’t forget, world’s most brilliant people are generally “ugly”. (Stephen Hawkings, Nikola Tesla and many others) Beautiful people just breed and die, it’s the ugly ones that leave a mark in the planet. I think you would not be the mind you are now, if you were beautiful.
Learn a new language, delve into books and improve yourself. As the time passes, you will have an deeper understanding of life, and the things that you worried about will not be important anymore. You take yourself with you wherever you go, so start being friends with the thing that is most important in life: yourself.
Love from Turkey.
thanks for ur post, but i dont know…
u see, im from bangladesh, but i live in virgina, and most americans automatically look down on any male from the indian subcontinent in terms of beauty…afterall, we all look like gandhi, rite?
sometimes i resent being ugly – no, most of the times i do…i wish i knew how it felt for a girl to look at me and think i am handsome…i wish i knew how it felt to smile at someone without knowing that the moment i smile my ugliness seems to shine through more strongly…ive been told that one of the ways i can look better is to STOP smiling, because my cheeks look fat when i do…i have cystic acne on my face, back, and chest, so even if i get a hollywood body like brad pitt or watever, i still have all my acne and acne scars, which will remain until the day the i die…its like i was born to be lower than anyone else – i was born with inherent defects…not only do i have to deal with the sterotypes of men from india being ugly, but im ugly compared to most indian men…even more, all girls seem to prefer white guys over any ohter race, and that makes me feel so inferior…idk…
i just feel so inferior…no one seems to want to be friends with a stuttering ugly foreigner…
JanetLeigh,
I have been trying to deal with my thoughts of being ugly. It isn’t a subject that people like to talk about. It depresses them. I get it. So, I decided today I would come on the internet and see if I could get some help. I mean I see a dr. and am on depression meds, and my mood is good, but I still feel ugly. I’m rejected by people at work. I mean they talk to me if I talk to them, but otherwise I’m shunned.
But, your words are so right! My husband has tried to tell me different than how I see myself, but it never seemed genuine. You know what I mean. I’m sure everyone here does. Yea, yea, thanks. But inside I don’t believe him and yet I want so badly to be pretty. New clothes, new hair, a tan, new makeup to cover the deep acne scars that have plagued me all my life. I keep holding out hope that I will hit on that thing that will make things different, and that people will finally accept me and I will feel like I fit. BUT, your words rang so true. I HEARD you and realized I do the same thing the “beautiful” people do. I judge myself and want to be friends with them even tho they are not nice people. But they are pretty so I want to be with them. The more they reject me the more I hate myself. And why? Because I’m not pretty?
I have had ugly thoughts. Anger, resentment, self-loathing, hatred, irritability. I am going to start today to have pretty thoughts so that I won’t be ugly on the inside too. Cuz I’m pretty on the inside. I am a nice person, loving, caring, compassionate, giving, deep, loyal, trustworthy. Those count and I need to look for those qualities in people and when those aren’t there I need to realize I don’t want them as friends, even if they did want me.
Thank you so very much for your post. I’m sorry I didn’t find it sooner. Dunno if you even come back here, its been a while since you posted, but I wanted you to know that your efforts and your kindness made a difference in my life.
1) there are pretty people that become ugly once you get to know them
and
2) there are ugly people who become the most beautiful person when you get to know them
and
3) there are people who see themselves as ugly – outside and in – that others cannot see
and
4) there are people who are ugly
anyone with the gift that you have cannot be either #1 or #4