So. Instead of making excuses about why i’ve not been posting or commenting, here:
Theme Fridays:
i’ve quit them. i pour everything i’ve got into my job and family basically. Anything creative goes into my activities. Of course, i feel the need for a more personal creative outlet, but it just became too hard for me. It sucks but when i force it, my work is kinda crappy. i feel my offerings have lost their me-ness so i quit. i may return to it at a later time but for now i’m all dried up.
My Blog:
…is lame now.
My Writing:
It’s a wash. And i’m pretty upset about it.
My Job:
People are getting on my nerves. Sometimes i wish i could/would use the internets for its most obvious purposes- emotional warfare and revenge. i’m usually good about letting crap go, trying to understand why someone may be acting like a stupendous butthole but i am only capable of so much. There’s one person in particular that really rubs me all wrong. i want to tell her off once and for all, but i won’t. i’ll just keep letting her burn holes in my stomach.
Residents are becoming less like ‘residents’ and more like friends. i am loving them and my time with them more and more. With the Holidays approaching, i’m spending less time with them and i don’t like that.
i wore my hair down again and now know for certain i won’t be doing that again. i know i said that last time, but i mean it this time for realz. Not only was it a rat’s nest by the time i got home and took an hour to comb through, it attracted too much attention. The men wanted to touch it and smell it, which was okay. i just asked myself when was the last time they got to hold a woman’s hair in their fingers and let them. The women offered to braid it or comb it for me. :)
i used this as an opportunity to reminisce with them. i asked them what they used in their hair, how they made it smooth or big or how to put those pretty waves in it and so on. Mama Hughes (my mother-in-law and adept caregiver) decided to do hair makeovers on them while we all chatted. It was great. Then the caregiver i wouldn’t mind whupping in the parking lot after work said i looked like a bush. Nice.
i witnessed sun-downing for the first time. i’d done some research and sometimes i wonder if the folks who write these informational articles have ever actually been present in some of the situations they are advising others on. Like really. Anyway, it was so much more powerful and disturbing and saddening than i’d gathered. i tried to help using my research, but just wound up being in the way.
The Fam:
My Grandpa Joe is in the hospital. Apparently, he was hemorrhaging in his stomach and the doctors don’t know where from. My Ava just found out she has cancer again. She’s already had one breast removed and will have the other removed around Christmas.
i had an argument with my mom, i miss my sisters. One of them doesn’t realize how terrific she is. Here we are when i was down home in August:
Taringa & me
i miss my Ko-Ko Chanel:
Ko-Ko
i miss being home. And when i get home, i’m a crab cake.
R. and the children’ve done so much to maintain the house and help out but it’s just not the same as when i do it, y’know? i sure love them so much and give me space when i need it. And big hugs when i need it.
My Pals:
i can’t believe you all still come around but i am so grateful. i can’t tell you how grateful i am for you. Just know that i am still reading all on my blogroll, even though i don’t always say stuff. i’m just so tired in every conceivable way…
Reading:
i am an avid reader- or i was- until the job. i miss books so much. It’s not that i don’t read, but that i can only read for 20-30 minutes here and there. i’m used to a book every two to three days. i feel lame taking a week on a book.
i just want my life back. i want to do this job i love and have my life i love. i just haven’t found the balance yet. Soon, God soon, i hope, i’ll have it.
So that’s all. i love you all and thank you for your time and eyes and kind words.
~c
Sounds like you’ve got a lot going on. I bet your residents just love you. How sweet that you let the old men touch your hair. And people, they will get on your nerves no matter where you go. There will always be that one person, and if you are extremely lucky it will only be one! Is that you on the right up there?
You’re right.
i hadn’t thought of it that way because she’s so irritating and abrasive.
And that’s me. Nightmare! i’ll delete it soon.
~c
I’ve never seen your photo before. It’s so nice to put a face with the writing. Now I can imagine what you look like when I read your blog. You’re a cutie with a gorgeous head of hair. When I was young, in my twenties, my nickname at the bank I worked for was ” The Bush” because of my hair. I don’t think I have a photo on my blog that shows it’s bushiness.
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. I hope you find that balance between work and home.
The one thing I liked about owning my own business was I didn’t have any co-workers to deal with.
I have to say we used to have a French poodle when I was little named KoKo.
I hope your Grandpa Joe and your Ave feel better soon.
I’m fortunate my only sister lives one street over from me. I don’t know what I would do without her.
Sundowning? Is that in relation to dementia? My mom had dementia and was in a nursing home until she passed in 1997.
Of course we come around. Your our c and we love ya!!!!
Once, years ago in another space, someone said i did not look like my writing.
i don’t even know what that means but i think i agree with that.
And as you can tell, i hate getting my picture taken. Anyway, i guess since it was that particualr person who gets on my nerves i took her comment personally. She’s always attacking me. Or it feels like that. She just has such a stick in her nethers! i’ve tried being nice and now i’m just through. Professional courtesy is all i extend. Could she at least do the same? No. She made a new hire cry the third day for nonsense.
Gosh she gets to me. Obviously…
R keeps telling me to write my best seller already so he can retire and i can do what i was made to do. If only…
i can see the your mane of glory with your current picture and also the one of you in your swimsuit. Rock those curls!
But sundowning. When evening approaches, folks with dementia have behaviors, are easily agitated and really want to go home. What i witnessed was several of the Residents knocking on doors and windows to get out, pushing furniture around, putting prized possessions in purses and “waiting for rides”, the bus, a taxi, folks asking for their mothers and fathers… It was truly heartbreaking and astounding. i tried to redirect them with activities like sanding or music therapy but it didn’t really work and i just felt so bad.
Jeez, that was a whole other little post! But thank you for the well wishes for Grandpa and Ava. i love living in Oregon but when these things come up, i hate it. i hate being away from my family like this. And with the holidays coming and my birthday, i slip into depression. Last year was really bad for me, especially with the lack of sun and blue sky. i love rain and snow, but after a while they doom me.
Anyway, thank you for being around and freaking fabulous.
~c
That IS you? Wow, you’re a cutie! And you have such pretty hair and skin. I was thinking that you were the one who said she was ugly? That must have been someone else, LOL.
Aw, geez…
You’re nice and rather than insist i’m ugly and piss off my boo or clancyjane, i will say simply-
Thanks.
~c
It’s official. You have beautiful hair.
And not to bash “Theme Fridays”, but I’ve always liked your own natural, free flowing, non forced writing better. Even this little thrown together piece. It’s all you, and I love it. 
So when you give it, give the real. 
I’m glad to hear you are still enjoying the job itself. Don’t let any bad apples spoil it for ya. Just remember, when ever he/she/they are giving you grief, that Peter Parkour says they are fart faced tards. 
If that doesn’t go the trick, hit ‘em with a stick. 
I’m sorry to hear of your family members and their hardships. (((BIG HUGS))) to you and them. I hope you find your balance soon. Balance is totally underrated. I hope you don’t delete your pic, but if you do, know I copied it. Don’t judge me. 
Gee, thanks.
i feel like Eeyore, digging my toe in the sand and mumbling “Aw you don’t have to say that.”
And i will definitely think they are fart face tards. i love that and thank you for it.
i love smiling at work and no one understands why…
i will update on my grandparents when i find out more. Thank you for your concern.
This. This is why i’ve got the best readers in the universe. Sincere, kind, funny with the best cyber hugs in the world! Thank you Peter…
~c
Oh, my little sweet pea!! You are such a wonderful and beautiful person and I am honored to be your friend. Holidays can be tuff when you are not with your family. I am fortunate that my family lives close to me but it sounds like you have a wonderful
family too.
When my mom was in the nursing home my brother went there every night . He helped her brush her teeth and listened to her ramblings. I didn’t go as often as he did because I couldn’t face it. I thank God for people like you who help people like my mom get through the day.
You are a wonderful writer and don’t ever let anyone stop you from writing.
I respect you so much
Thank you, Noni. You brought a little burn to my eyes.
It is difficult to see a loved we’ve known to be a certain way- strong, independent, functioning- become someone that needs so much.
It’s hard to accept.
For you, for them, i do the very best i can to be a friend, a sister, a daughter, a helper.
Thank you, thank you, thank you…
~c
I think this time of year just starts to get crazy for everyone. I enjoy your writing too and maybe theme fridays was a good idea to begin with but if it was putting pressure on you then it was not really helping with your creativity. Creativity doesn’t work on a schedule. Period. So, don’t let your blog become a stress to you. You write when and if you want to. Real life is more important and it sounds like you are doing things that you won’t regret spending your time on. Your blog will always be here for you to write in when you need/want to and we (appreciative readers) will always be here to read it. So don’t feel you have to squeeze any creativity out on a regular basis, just do it when it hits you or you feel the need to. But do drop a line every so often so we know you are okay too.
Hugs to you!
Thank you, Teeni.
And i am okay.
Still miss writing…
~c
Oh C !
You are so very beautiful. I knew you would be when I read your ugly post.
Your such a caring sweet soul which ooozes from your honest creative writing.
I think I’ve fallen in love with you. aww !! Loads of nice soft feeling for you Christine.
Love
Di.
(((((((( Christine )))))))))
Thank you so!
Di, you sure know how to treat a girl right.
You’re sweet to say such things.
You’re pretty awesome yourself.
~c
c., don’t you dare say your blog is “lame”! This was great! I love the photos (You are beautiful!) and your sweet and kind heart shows through in everything you post.
Take as much time as you need to read, or spend with loved ones, or whatever, and only blog when you feel the urge. This is not a contest to see who can write the most or anything. It’s a place you can come and share your thoughts and find people who share the same values (or not! That’s OK, too).
I always look forward to your posts and hope you keep it around even if that means you post less frequently. It won’t matter. I’ll always be waiting for you whenever you do!
Hugs for your troubles, c. I hope things improve for your family soon.
Trisha, thank you for the kind words.
i just feel like i’m missing out on so much personally- including this blog and the blogs of friends.
i also feel like i’m missing out on myself. Maybe that’s good. i don’t have time or energy to fuck with or pick on myself. So yes. P’raps…
~c
Don’t worry c – you will be back better than ever once you reconcile your competing work/home/blogger roles. For me, it is helpful to remember that I am writing primarily to entertain myself and not to fulfill external expectations. Right-brain creative types such as yourself are inwardly compelled to create as a form of steam release. A prolonged absence will result in a period of hyper productivity for all to enjoy.
i hope you are right, Johnny.
Which you probably are- as you usually are.
~c
A poet by the name of Robert Nazarene told me once, “Mimosas don’t bloom year-round.” Sometimes we need down-time from writing, to reinvigorate ourselves, get new ideas, and new experiences to draw from. It never goes away. It just likes to sit back and watch, occasionally.
Don’t let that coworker get you down. She’s obviously feeling like putting you down is the only way she can matter–a sign of deep insecurity on her part.
Thank you for your kind encouragement and i will try to keep it in mind.
It’s strange because just as i got over that, there was another incident…
It’s not like i can avoid her and i must be professional but she really gets to me.
And it doesn’t help that this past week was full of mondays…
i miss my writing. i do so much. i get small bits that lead nowhere. i hate that. Any time i’ve gone through mudslides i become a mess. Jeez, i just started all over again!
*positive, positive*
Thank you for your kind encouragement. i will keep it in mind.
We all have our ups and downs and i realize that i shouldn’t take these things so personally.
Thank you.
~c
sweet girl.
sorry re: your Ava and Grandpa Joe.
i’ll email you about my current trip home (just got back), dad’s hospitalization and how the care center tried to kill him.
and about the myth of gerotranscendence.
i am just back today, but missed you and missed you and knew that your absent blog presence on friday might indicate you were forfeiting the posts for the time being.
thank you for presenting your sweet self face with such clarity. now i know for sure you have dysmorphic disorder.
and how wonderful to meet photographic representations of las banditas. what a gift!
also, the hair thing.
there was a resdent who daily told me, “Your hair looks like a brushpile.”
i was thinking of you this morning whilst gazing at ice which filmed the roofs of our neighbors. Looking, i thought: i haven’t heard from her in a while. The longest while since i began hearing from you i think. And i also thought: i will e-mail her after lunch.
And here you are.
Please do tell me about Dad. i pray for you and your Dad and siblings every night.
i’m just so glad to’ve found you here.
~c
From a stranger, I can relate to a lot of what you’re going through.
Hang in there. All the best.
Thank you, Mr. Nichols.
i’m trying!
~c
I think of you often. (((Hugs))) What are your plans for Thanksgiving? Those photos of you and your sisters are great. I hope your Grandpa and Ava are doing alright. I didn’t even realize you were working with Mama Hughes until reading this post. I guess I missed that detail earlier. Well, today is Monday, but I hope you are having a good day. I’m going to my daughter’s school in a little bit to observe their Spanish class. I’m going to take over teaching it next semester. Talk to you soon!
Love,
Sarah
That’s wonderful, Sarah!
i know you will be a great teacher.
Well. You’re already a teacher, but it will be exciting to see you in action in another environment. You’ll be great!
~c